Freakin' Funny Friday ~ CCE: Jesus Junk

When I was a teenager I went to a youth retreat. We had classes/seminars we had to attend while we were there. I went to one on music. The guy leading the group had brought in a copy of Rolling Stone magazine. It was the one where Janet Jackson appeared on the cover topless but some dude was behind her covering her boobs with his hands. Then he passed the magazine around the room which by the way is a great idea when you've got a room full of teenage boys at a Christian youth retreat. Then he started to tell us about the evils of secular music and that we should only listen to Christian music. It was as if Christian music had God's "Stamp o' Approval" on it or something. I thought the guy was full of it.

Then one day, my mom was listening to a WOW CD, which is like a NOW CD only with Christian artists on it. There was a song on there called "Great Lengths" by a band called PFR. They kind of sounded like the Beatles so it intrigued me. I didn't care for any of the other artists on the WOW album. So I went and picked up the PFR album at the local Christian bookstore. It was then that I noticed "The Christian Music Comparison Chart" they had up on the wall. Basically what the chart does is it lists a bunch of secular artists and compares them to Christian artists based on similar music style. I don't think the intentions of the chart are to get people to stop listening to secular music and just listen to Christian music, but I think a lot of people use it that way. It's how I saw it. So that's how I started learning about some other Christian artists based on some of the other bands that I liked. So I became one of those people that only listened to Christian music, because all other music was bad. It didn't matter what the content was, is was just bad, it didn't have God's "Stamp o' Approval" on it.

I'm so glad I don't think that way anymore. I stopped listening to many of the Christian artists that I was listening too because they just sounded horrible. I still like PFR though, they were unique. I wanted to share with you some of the comparisons on a chart I found. Here's what it says:

If you like Aerosmith, then try Petra.
" " Phil Collins, " " Steven Curtis Chapman or Michael W. Smith
" " Bon Jovi, " " Stryper
" " Eminem, " " KJ-52 or John Reuben
" " Foo Fighters, " " Switchfoot
" " R.E.M., " " Third Day

...and the list goes on and on.

I think this is an insult to these musicians on both sides. For one thing it's like they're saying here's an exact copy of this artist, listen to them instead. Two, this chart is based only on the sound of the music (which by the way is way off) rather than the ideology of these musicians. So they just assume that people are going to like these other artists just because they have a similar sound. Three, it's dumb.

Why do people feel the need to have a Christian alternative to everything? It doesn't just happen with music, it happens with many other things. So I thought I would bring to you my own comparison chart, and yes, all of these things actually exist.

If you like...


...then try...

Wow, how original! This is totally different from High School Musical, they don't resemble each other in any way. Just look, they changed one word in the title, they have a green curtain instead of a red one, and there's five kids on the cover rather than six.

If you like...



...then try...

So, does this game work on the X-box 360, the Wii, or PS3? Or do we have to go out and buy a Praystation?

If you like...


...then try...

Yea, all those other mints have a sinful aftertaste.

If you like...



...then try...

With all that caffeine you'll be able to walk on water too!

If you like...


...then try...

When do the guillotine, noose, and electric chair versions come out?

If you like...


...then try...

If you can't read it, it says "with poseable arms & gliding action!" Because you know, Jesus glided everywhere he went.

If you like...

...then try...

Or would it be stinking sand in this case?

If you like...

...then try...

We'll just take the Direct TV logo and turn it at a different angle, no one will notice.

If you like...


...then try...

He's just like Batman, except he leaves a Bible tract in the villain's pocket after he ties him up.

If you like...


...then try...

Whoa, didn't see that one coming did ya? Neither did I and that's strange since I'm the one who posted it.

Here are a few products I found while browsing that I hope are not real.

They forgot to list TBN studios.



My breath is so fresh, there must be a God!

And here is a book I really hope exists because I want to read it.

Considering this book is written by a guy named Denny O. Theeves I'm going to assume this book isn't real, but it would definitely be a good read.

I hope you enjoyed today's post and got a good laugh out of it. But I just wanted to say that a lot of people, including myself, call a lot of these products "Jesus Junk". It seems harmless enough but I think all of this stuff can be dangerous. I think too many times people get wrapped up in the Christian culture and miss out on Jesus completely. If people were truly wrapped up in Christ then they would see how ridiculous many of these products are. I'll admit that I sometimes waste my money by eating out too much or buying some product that occupies my time for a few minutes before I get bored with it. But some people must think that buying a useless piece of plastic is okay if it's got the name and/or image of Jesus slapped on it as if they're doing something to further God's kingdom. I look at some of these products and I think to myself, If Jesus was in a grave he'd be rolling in it.