Freakin' Funny Friday ~ CCE: Jesus Junk

When I was a teenager I went to a youth retreat. We had classes/seminars we had to attend while we were there. I went to one on music. The guy leading the group had brought in a copy of Rolling Stone magazine. It was the one where Janet Jackson appeared on the cover topless but some dude was behind her covering her boobs with his hands. Then he passed the magazine around the room which by the way is a great idea when you've got a room full of teenage boys at a Christian youth retreat. Then he started to tell us about the evils of secular music and that we should only listen to Christian music. It was as if Christian music had God's "Stamp o' Approval" on it or something. I thought the guy was full of it.

Then one day, my mom was listening to a WOW CD, which is like a NOW CD only with Christian artists on it. There was a song on there called "Great Lengths" by a band called PFR. They kind of sounded like the Beatles so it intrigued me. I didn't care for any of the other artists on the WOW album. So I went and picked up the PFR album at the local Christian bookstore. It was then that I noticed "The Christian Music Comparison Chart" they had up on the wall. Basically what the chart does is it lists a bunch of secular artists and compares them to Christian artists based on similar music style. I don't think the intentions of the chart are to get people to stop listening to secular music and just listen to Christian music, but I think a lot of people use it that way. It's how I saw it. So that's how I started learning about some other Christian artists based on some of the other bands that I liked. So I became one of those people that only listened to Christian music, because all other music was bad. It didn't matter what the content was, is was just bad, it didn't have God's "Stamp o' Approval" on it.

I'm so glad I don't think that way anymore. I stopped listening to many of the Christian artists that I was listening too because they just sounded horrible. I still like PFR though, they were unique. I wanted to share with you some of the comparisons on a chart I found. Here's what it says:

If you like Aerosmith, then try Petra.
" " Phil Collins, " " Steven Curtis Chapman or Michael W. Smith
" " Bon Jovi, " " Stryper
" " Eminem, " " KJ-52 or John Reuben
" " Foo Fighters, " " Switchfoot
" " R.E.M., " " Third Day

...and the list goes on and on.

I think this is an insult to these musicians on both sides. For one thing it's like they're saying here's an exact copy of this artist, listen to them instead. Two, this chart is based only on the sound of the music (which by the way is way off) rather than the ideology of these musicians. So they just assume that people are going to like these other artists just because they have a similar sound. Three, it's dumb.

Why do people feel the need to have a Christian alternative to everything? It doesn't just happen with music, it happens with many other things. So I thought I would bring to you my own comparison chart, and yes, all of these things actually exist.

If you like...


...then try...

Wow, how original! This is totally different from High School Musical, they don't resemble each other in any way. Just look, they changed one word in the title, they have a green curtain instead of a red one, and there's five kids on the cover rather than six.

If you like...



...then try...

So, does this game work on the X-box 360, the Wii, or PS3? Or do we have to go out and buy a Praystation?

If you like...


...then try...

Yea, all those other mints have a sinful aftertaste.

If you like...



...then try...

With all that caffeine you'll be able to walk on water too!

If you like...


...then try...

When do the guillotine, noose, and electric chair versions come out?

If you like...


...then try...

If you can't read it, it says "with poseable arms & gliding action!" Because you know, Jesus glided everywhere he went.

If you like...

...then try...

Or would it be stinking sand in this case?

If you like...

...then try...

We'll just take the Direct TV logo and turn it at a different angle, no one will notice.

If you like...


...then try...

He's just like Batman, except he leaves a Bible tract in the villain's pocket after he ties him up.

If you like...


...then try...

Whoa, didn't see that one coming did ya? Neither did I and that's strange since I'm the one who posted it.

Here are a few products I found while browsing that I hope are not real.

They forgot to list TBN studios.



My breath is so fresh, there must be a God!

And here is a book I really hope exists because I want to read it.

Considering this book is written by a guy named Denny O. Theeves I'm going to assume this book isn't real, but it would definitely be a good read.

I hope you enjoyed today's post and got a good laugh out of it. But I just wanted to say that a lot of people, including myself, call a lot of these products "Jesus Junk". It seems harmless enough but I think all of this stuff can be dangerous. I think too many times people get wrapped up in the Christian culture and miss out on Jesus completely. If people were truly wrapped up in Christ then they would see how ridiculous many of these products are. I'll admit that I sometimes waste my money by eating out too much or buying some product that occupies my time for a few minutes before I get bored with it. But some people must think that buying a useless piece of plastic is okay if it's got the name and/or image of Jesus slapped on it as if they're doing something to further God's kingdom. I look at some of these products and I think to myself, If Jesus was in a grave he'd be rolling in it.

Freakin' Funny Friday ~ CCE: Album Covers

The reason why I've decided to do a series of Christian culture posts on Fridays is partly because of my friend Jesse. He sent me a link in an e-mail to another blogger site called Funny & Worst Album Covers. I had already planned on doing a post on Christian t-shirts, so when Jesse sent me the e-mail it gave the idea to do this series since there's a wide range of things to talk about and poke fun at. But remember, it's all in good fun until someone loses an eye. But how many people have lost an eye while reading a blog, honestly? So today we'll be looking at some of the funniest and worst Christian album covers.

They may walk by faith, but I don't have much faith in their math skills. I see more than three people in the Tyler trio. And what's up with the guy on the left? Did he miss the photoshoot with the rest of the group and they just added a picture of him to the left? Couldn't they have just Photoshopped him in? What do you mean they didn't have Photoshop back then?



Is it just me or is that pink phone floating in mid-air?



Watch out for his "Crain Kick" Ha ha! Sweep the leg Johnny!



Long before Damon Wayans persona of Homey the Clown saying "Homey don't play dat" we had The Rappin' Reverend Dr. C. Dexter Wise, III saying "I ain't into that"



Butch Yelton and Upbound sounds like an awesome indie band name. What exactly are you gonna swing at with that gospel axe? What the heck is a gospel axe? Why doesn't everyone else have gospel weapons. Where's the gospel chain, the gospel brass knuckles, the gospel lead pipe, and the gospel sack of doorknobs?



Is that a young Peter Griffin in a gospel quartet?



Yea, and he has buck-teeth!



Yea, come to the chapel, Carroll Atchison is lookin' for a fight. C'mon, bring it on you punks with your rock music and your yoo-hoo chocolate drinks!



I wouldn't want to mess with Father Rober White. He could take on Carroll Atchinson and his wife, Butch Yelton and his gang, and Dr. Roy Anderson Jr. and the Tyler trio all at the same time. But just in case things got a little rough, Mike Crain would have his back. The Reverend Dr. C. Dexter Wise, III would help out but he just ain't into that.



But poor Liz is. Anyway, there's plenty of booze, syringes, and women to go around!



Uhhh, yea...I'm not touching that one.

So there you have it. I hope the dude that started the Funny & Worst album cover blog doesn't mind me "borrowing" some of the pictures from his blog. I'm sure he "borrowed" them from somewhere else. But go check it out, funny stuff. I did some research and found a few more covers that are just as bad as the ones above. Here they are.

They must have been in the same math class as Dr. Roy Anderson Jr., and the Tyler Trio.



Wrong picture or wrong title on this album cover?



I don't know what that would accomplish, but at least you wouldn't have to change your name.



The guy in the middle doesn't look real. He either looks like a mannequin or a muppet. I think Jim Henson had something to do with this.



Uh, wow. I really don't know what to say about this one. Next!



Gee, I'm really sorry to hear that...hey, is that the same font they used for the title sequence in "All in the Family" with Archie and Edith Bunker?

A few years ago I used to listen to Christian music (nothing like the albums above though, ugh). In fact it was the only thing I listened to because at one time I used to think it was wrong to listen to anything else. I'm glad I grew out of that though. If something sounds good I'll listen to it. I enjoy Jars of Clay, Switchfoot, Derek Webb, Kevin Max, Five Iron Frenzy, P.O.D., Dr. Dog, mewithoutYou, DeVotchKa, Dan le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip, Sufjan Stevens, Copeland, Emery, Anberlin, Spoken, Starflyer 59, The Myriad, Fiction Family, Jon Foreman, Chase Pagan, David Bazan, Radiohead, U2, Cool Hand Luke, The Welcome Wagon, Mae, Farewell Flight, M.Ward, Lorien, The Chariot, Deas Vail, Brave Saint Saturn, Further Seems Forever, Two Gallants, Reign of Kindo, Danielson, Ashton Allen, Brooke Waggoner, and many more I can't think of right now. Yes, some of those bands people may consider to be Christian bands but I don't think the bands themselves would give their music that label.

I hope everyone has a great weekend, see you on Monday!

Freakin' Funny Friday ~ Christian Culture Edition: T-Shirts

I thought I would try something different. For the next few weeks or however long it takes I'm going to call Fridays, Freakin' Funny Friday ~ Christian Culture Edition, or CCE for short. I will talk about something within the Christian culture and most likely poke fun at it. But it will be all in good fun, I'm not doing it to be malicious. I used to be a part of the it and in some ways I guess I still am. But I want to talk about the most ridiculous things that come about within the culture. In yesterday's post I hinted at Christian culture so that's why I decided to do this mini-series.

I read a book that was a real eye-opener to me. It's written by Matthew Paul Turner called "The Christian Culture Survival Guide: The Misadventures of an Outsider on the Inside".


You can find Matthew Paul Turner's website and blog here. The book was put out by Relevant Books and you can buy it here. Turner also has a book out now called "Churched".

There is also a blog called Stuff Christians Like that I mentioned in my first introductory post. This is a blog devoted to poking fun at Christian culture. It was created by Jon Acuff and he does a much better job at talking about Christian culture than what I'm about to do. I'm going to try to be original and not emulate what he does on his blog, but you can check his out here. Okay, that's enough links for one post!

In today's CCE I'd like to talk about Christian t-shirts, or rather †-shirts. First of all I want everyone to know that I am not opposed to someone who wants to share their faith through the use of a t-shirt. I think it becomes a problem when a logo or a figure from pop-culture is taken and changed to reflect a Biblical message. Though Christians believe that we are "not of this world", every opportunity is taken to emulate the things of this world and twist them around for their own use and say "that's clever". What's so clever about stealing? I'm pretty sure there's something in the Bible about not stealing, but I could be wrong. It's probably in some obscure passage somewhere. Okay, so without any further ado, bring on the †-shirts!

Okay this one makes no sense to me at all. I know the shirt is talking about idolatry, but doesn't "Amazing Grace" sound a lot like "Amazing Race"? All you need to do is add a "G" for crying out loud!



I have no idea what peanut butter cups have to do with Jesus. You've heard the slogan "There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's" So I guess what this shirt is saying is "There's no wrong way to follow Jesus". Just make up the rules as you go.



Yes, I'd like to order a Half caff, double holy, non fat, whole truth, Double cupp, no satan, to go.



Wow, that is a steep price to pay to get social networking in heaven. What needs to happen to get face book up there?

I drink Pepsi. Am I going to hell?

Um, so are we worshiping Jared Fogle now or what? I'm confused.



Wow, this shirt is offensive on so many levels.

So there you have it. Honestly how did it ever get to this point? It's sad really. I'll admit that at one time I owned a bright red shirt that had the Taco Bell chihuahua on it saying "¡Yo quiero Jesus!" But those days are over. There was one company that isn't around anymore that made some very creative t-shirts. They were called One Truth clothing. Even though they're not in business anymore, but you can find what's left of their website here. I bought a few of their shirts a couple years ago. I'm going to finish this post with some of the shirts I found while researching that I thought were funny and clever. Have a great Memorial Day weekend. God bless.

This one is funny because it doesn't make any sense.

I wish I had this one when I was in youth group.

I like this one because it reminds me of a friend from college who would always ask a question and then answer it by pointing his thumbs at himself and saying "This Guy". So this shirt reminded me of him.

Personally I prefer cross-word puzzles, I mean †-word puzzles.

Hide and seek with Jesus sounds like fun! Of course he would always be able to find me right away.

I don't have any tattoos, but just in case I get one or two someday...

I don't know what it is about this one, but it's funny.





I like this one, maybe it's because I have a beard.




This is a shirt put out by xxxchurch.com. Is it controversial? Perhaps. But is it the truth? Absolutely. Check out the xxxchurch website here.